As this year winds to a close, I am facing my first Christmas without my boys. It would have been so easy to let the grief overtake me and spend the days ahead feeling sorry for myself, and to be truthful, that is very nearly where my holiday season went. But instead of being consumed by bitterness and spending the days and nights in front of the TV with a keg of Malbec, I decided to embrace the unique opportunities this situation was going to afford me. Seeing as it was going to take a direct intervention from God to change things, and He tends to prefer to work more behind the scenes, even at Christmas, I offered to work right through the holidays so I could give other people a chance to spend time with their loved ones while mine were so far away. This plan will have the added bonus of saving me money on wine, and it's not like I could use the time to get caught up on anything out side the house. Once I made the decision a huge weight just disappeared from my heart. My boys just weren't going to be with me on the 25th of December. And somehow, I didn't die with that moment of clarity. Because of that choice, I get to celebrate Christmas with friends this year. I'll still be surrounded by kids and people I care about, just not mine, I'll still get to eat what is sure to be a fantastic Christmas feast, I just don't have to cook it all. This year I get to try a traditional vegan smorgasbord. I'm sure it's going to be delicious. I offered to try and prepare a vegan dish to contribute to the meal, but was politely turned down. Most likely due to concern over my skill with that particular food preparation discipline. This year will also mark my first ever visit to a store on Boxing Day. I've managed to studiously avoid that rite of passage for my whole life because I needed to have everything done before Christmas eve. This year, I get to try and save a bit by buying the bigger gifts on Boxing Day. I suspect I'll need more than a bit of luck and a mountain of patience, neither of which I've ever had an abundance of in my life. Perhaps I will buy some wine, just in case. So here it is, Christmas Eve and I'm sitting in the mall, manning the kiosk, ostensibly being a Realtor, but mostly giving out directions, wearing shiny gold pants that I'm told make me look like a Christmas ornament because I've got carolling to go to afterwards, eating chocolate and donuts. Not such a bad way to spend the night before Christmas. Later I'll make sure to take pictures to send to my guys so I can show them Santa didn't forget them. My little one is already questioning whether he's real or not, because he didn't get what he asked for. But it's the same thing denied countless other kids before him, his family back. I don't know what the new year will hold for us, but we've managed so far and when I get my boys back, they're going to get hugged so tight. Merry Christmas!
