New Year's resolution, 2013: strength

2013 is winding down, the presents long unwrapped, several irreparably broken already, the leftovers have been made in to soup and I must say, I am grateful that the year is done.  I feel terribly guilty for celebrating the days slipping irretrievably in to the past.  These were, after all, such important and formative years in the boy's young lives, but it has been a long hard fight, never losing focus on the future.  There have been a few days that I didn't have the slightest clue how I was going to get through it, and to be totally honest, I still don't know how I did it.  A new home, two new careers, countless sleepless nights and temper tantrums,  more mistakes than I can even count, but we have survived and even moved forward.  I know for a long time it was just a deep and burning anger that propelled me forwards but anger, justified or not, can only get you so far.  It burns itself out eventually, or it consumes you.  It has been replaced by a deep sadness over what could have been, but also by an acceptance of the simple truth that there are just people on this earth that just aren't going to get it and being right doesn't mean you're going to win. 
For the new year, I am making a promise to myself and my boys that I am no longer going to wish for things to be different and to deal with the realities we have been dealt in life.  For the coming year, I am going to remind myself often of something I had forgotten.  I would rather be called a bitch than dumb.  The things for which I want to be remembered when I'm gone are strong, capable, tenacious, loving, charitable, intelligent, funny, witty, resourceful, fierce and independent.  I don't remember wanting to be thought of as nice at any point in my life.  Even as a child, I strove to excel.  Why, over the last few years I have allowed that to be taken from me, is something I might never truly understand, but I'm happy to be able to see it with clarity now.  I owe it to myself and my boys to stand up and fight for them.  To be the warrior mother they deserve.  If I can't protect them from what's happening, at least I can show them that I fought the good fight and show them how a woman should be respected. 
With the changes we have undertaken through 2013, I can't wait to see where we will be a year from now.  I know the boys are already counting down to next Christmas with glee.  Only 358 days to go.
Happy New Year's!